


Things Have Changed For Me (And That's Okay)

by fidelisinfinitum



Category: Law and Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, F/F, alex returns, on and off relationship, pre season 18, tfw you have two ships and one suddenly takes over the other and you hadn't meant it to
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-19
Updated: 2017-07-19
Packaged: 2018-12-04 07:09:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11550096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fidelisinfinitum/pseuds/fidelisinfinitum
Summary: A chance meeting at a bar, four years after they both thought she had left for good, shows Alex just how many things she doesn't know about Olivia Benson.





	Things Have Changed For Me (And That's Okay)

**Author's Note:**

> I've been reading all these Alex returns fic, and Olivia just lets her come back, even if she's in a relationship, which makes not a lot of sense to me. So, this was what happened. (It's also a warm-up for a longer fic I wanna do so...) 
> 
> Oh, and it's set before season 18, except no tuckson

Alex walked into the bar, longing for a sense of familiarity she hadn't had in years. Probably since she'd had to leave New York the first time, since she'd had to go into the Witness Protection Program. Ever since the shooting. 

She remembered that this was a bar that she'd taken Olivia to a few times, although the brunette preferred the kind of bars that were filled with tired people at the end of a day's work, soft chatter echoing through the seats, and no need to think. 

Which was why it surprised her to see Olivia sitting at the far edge of the bar. She was smiling, and even if she looked older, Alex still thought she was beautifully familiar. She was sitting next to another blonde woman, Rollins, Alex remembered. Fin was there, too, and two other men she didn't recognize. The one with dark hair was dressed very nicely, and she would guess he was a lawyer, and the other one had that look about him that screamed detective. 

Alex realized she'd been standing by the entrance for too long when another patron bumped into her. They both apologized, and when Alex looked back at Olivia, the brunette's eyes were wide, and her smile was gone. She got up, abruptly, and Alex saw the dark haired man whisper in his taller companion's ear. She knew they were talking about her. Fin looked like he wanted to get up and say hello, but he didn't, looking concernedly at Olivia. Rollins had a frown on her face, and turned her back on Alex. 

"Olivia," Alex said, her heart beating fast. This was the last thing she'd expected to encounter in her first week back in the city, and she hadn't prepared. She wasn't even sure if Olivia wanted to see her again, and judging by the expression on her face, her assumption might be right. 

"Alex." Formal, chilly. Alex didn't remember this. 

"I'm back in New York," Alex said, wanting desperately for Olivia to reply back "Clearly," or something of that nature, something to start the easy banter they never had to manufacture back in the day. 

"For how long, this time?" Her brown eyes flashed, and Alex didn't think this was familiar either. 

"I-"

"Sorry, counselor," Olivia said, in a way that Alex could tell she didn't quite mean. 

"Back to titles, Detective?" 

"It's Lieutenant, now, actually." Alex felt happy for her, even if she could barely recognize the woman before her. Four years wasn't that long, was it? How much could someone change?

"That's great, Liv," Alex said, falling into the old familiarity like no time had passed. 

Olivia smiled for a second, and in that fleeting second, Alex felt her heart swell in her chest. She felt hope, that what they had could come back, that they could fall back into it as easily as they had every other time she returned. Even if a small part of her brain interrupted, asking "What about Cragen? Or Munch?"

"You should come over and have drinks with us," Olivia invited, animosity seemingly gone. Alex looked over, nervously, at the group Olivia had left. Rollins was looking at them, although when she caught Alex's eye, she turned and looked intently at Fin, just as the two other men were doing. Fin was speaking, and Alex remembered his body language enough to tell that he was telling a story, his hands moving wildly. 

"Yeah, okay," Alex accepted. She allowed the smiling brunette to lead her over, taking in the way Olivia sat between Rollins and herself, and waiting to be introduced. 

"Barba, Carisi, this is-" 

"Former ADA Alexandra Cabot," the dark haired man interrupted. "It's a pleasure. I'm ADA Rafael Barba." He stuck out his hand, and Alex shook it, her suspicions confirmed. 

"Fin told us about you," the other man said, smiling. "I'm Sonny Carisi."

Alex smiled. "Hello," she said to the group collectively. "It's great to see you again, Fin, Rollins." She almost kicked herself for calling Rollins by her last name, even still, but told herself it shouldn't matter. Even if the other blonde's hand was resting protectively on Olivia's thigh, even if she was looking at her with a mixture of anger and jealousy. 

Even if the way she looked at Olivia reminded Alex of a conversation she'd had with Elliot years ago. 

"You look at her funny," he had said. They were working late into the night, Olivia had gone home on Cragen's orders. 

"Huh?" Alex had replied. Her mind was as far from Olivia Benson as could be. 

"Olivia." The name jolted her out of her rhythm, making her spell a word wrong. She hurriedly scribbled over it, her black ballpoint pen making indents on the paper. 

"Oh?" She had said, not looking at him, although that was probably a tell they taught you on the first day of police academy. 

"Like you love her," he'd said, his tone almost confused, but more understanding. "Everyone's noticed, except for her, unfortunately." 

"I don't-" she'd sputtered, denial practically an instinct by now. 

"You do. Do something about it, will you? This denial thing is getting kind of old." Alex hadn't replied, so they'd gone back to work, as if nothing had changed, even if so much had. 

The group chatted easily, Alex completely aware now that she was an outsider. Everything she said seemed like a misstep, especially in the eyes of the other woman. That was how she thought of Rollins (Amanda, her brain corrected, but her brain, sadly, wasn't in charge right now) at the moment, the other woman. Alex knew that this kind of green wasn't a good color on anybody, but she just couldn't keep it down, especially when she saw the blonde slip her hand into Olivia's. 

Fin had just finished telling a story about his son, and how excited he was to be a grandfather (when had that happened?) when Alex asked that question. The one that started ruining the whole night (as if it hadn't been ruined already). It was clear to her, after spending time with Huang for years, that only Fin and Olivia were really comfortable with her.

"Where's Nick?" It had seemed harmless, an easy answer. He was home, of course, with his family. 

But no, it couldn't ever be that simple. Fin averted his eyes, Sonny did the same. Rafael's facial expression barely changed, but she could almost see in his eyes that she had accidentally stepped over a line. She couldn't even look at Amanda, and instead chose to focus on Olivia, who looked resigned. 

"He moved, to California," she said. "He got shot." Alex felt a pang, Olivia had seen too many people she cared about shot. She caught herself, about to bring her hand up unconsciously to where the scar was from her own shooting. 

"Oh," she said, and, feeling as if that small word wasn't enough, said, "I'm sorry." She hadn't thought that Nick and Olivia would get that close, especially him being her first partner since Elliot, but evidently they had. 

Sonny steered the conversation away from those topics, asking Olivia about Noah. Who was Noah? A boyfriend? Seemingly not, as the brunette was still holding hands with Rollins. 

Alex soon found out that Olivia had adopted a son, and that he was, according to Olivia, "growing up way too fast." She saw the fond smile Fin gave her as her eyes lit up and felt even more out of place. She was so out of the loop, and she was ready to accept partial blame for that. She hadn't reached out, not once in the years since she'd left. Now she knew nothing about them, which was clearer then the shots of vodka she remembered Olivia drinking with her after the particularly difficult cases. 

"To the scum of the Earth," Olivia had said, holding her shot glass high. Her hair, short as it had been for the whole time Alex knew her, fell against her forehead. 

"To the people who deal with them," Alex had replied, and everyone had drank to that. Munch had hissed after swallowing the searing liquid and Fin told him he was getting too old for the good stuff. 

"I get better with age," Munch had replied. "Like cheese, and wine."

Olivia had cracked a smile at that, and Alex leaned into her, the stools close enough so they could do that. This was one of the squad's preferred bars, close enough to the precinct to be convenient, not too fancy. 

Alex knew she was going to regret it tomorrow, but if it would keep the smile on Olivia's face, then she'd do it. "Another round, on me."

The guys had groaned, said she just wanted to give them hangovers so she could have another reason they should collect even more evidence to cover her ass, but Olivia kept smiling, and they all drank anyway. 

But that was nothing like this. Everyone was drinking as friends, not to forget, or to numb the pain of the job. This was a different kind of friendly, one Alex hadn't seen in a long time. 

Again, there was a lull in the conversation, everyone taking a long drink. Alex decided that even if it was unwelcome, she'd try to keep the conversation going. Because if other people started going home, the she would have to as well, and she didn't know when she'd see her again. 

She trailed her hand through Olivia's hair, not caring if the men started suspecting something had been between them, it was mostly to make Rollins the same shade of green Alex had been all night, an said, "I really like your hair long like this, Olivia." The last thing she was expecting was for Olivia to tense up and for Rollins to glare at her like she had just killed her dog. 

Alex immediately retracted her hand, and looked at Olivia. She really looked at her, for the first time in years, and saw all the things she had missed before. She saw the new worry lines on her forehead, and the bags under her eyes. She saw the glasses in her pocket, probably for reading, her mind filled in. She saw that curve over her eye, the one that had always fascinated Alex. 

But she also saw the way her brown eyes avoided hers. She saw the way Olivia was slowly taking a measured breath. She saw the way her hand was clasped onto Amanda's like it was her lifeline. That really was the last straw. 

"I'm sorry, I'm leaving, I shouldn't've come back," she said, getting up, slapping bills down on the counter, not caring if it was more than enough. She vaguely registered Fin trying to get her to stay, but she shook him off, and even when she heard Olivia saying her name, she kept walking. Leaving her, as   
always. 

***

She hadn't gone far by the time Rollins caught up to her. Far enough to know that she didn't want to walk any farther away. 

By way of greeting, the other blonde said, "I hope you know I don't think anyone's perfect, but you sure are pushing your luck."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Alex asked, folding her arms around her. The thick, New York summer air was suffocating. 

"It means you're selfish and stuck in the past," the blonde said, and it seemed as if this was something she'd been meaning to say for a while. "It means that you need to learn you can't just apologize and have everything go back to the way it was before. When people leave other people, the ones left behind are allowed to move on."

"God, I know," Alex said, aware she was whining and hating herself for it. "I missed so much."

"You have no fuckin' idea what you missed," said Rollins, stepping closer to her. The blonde's southern accent was coming back in full now. 

"I know-"

"You don't know! She had a son and you didn't know. She's become commanding officer of the squad and you didn't know. Munch, and Cragen, and Nick left her, and you didn't know!" The blonde was screaming now, and Alex could see the tears in her eyes through the light of the street lamps. Her every word cut into Alex, and Alex didn't know why she was unable to cry, to talk back, to do anything. "She lost her second in command not even a month ago and you didn't know. She's been held hostage," Amanda's voice twisted, "and you didn't know."

"Because I left."

"Yeah," Amanda confirmed. The blonde rolled her fingers together, the kind of way one would with a cigarette, and it just made Alex more angry. That this other woman, who hadn't known Olivia as long as she had was lecturing her on what she should've done. 

Alex clenched her teeth, glaring at the other woman. This wasn't how it was supposed to go. She'd waited before, and Alex assumed she'd wait again. The image of Amanda's hand squeezing Olivia's popped into her minds eye and she squeezed her eyes shut. 

"She waited before," Alex said, trying to justify something, anything, about her actions. 

"Maybe she finally learnt better," Amanda replied, and Alex was struck by the audacity of that sentence. She hadn't been bad for her, had she? 

Alex swallowed, her hands over her face, yet the tears still refused to come. Amanda's voice was gentle this time when she said, "Honey, Olivia's moved on. You should, too."

"I'm sorry," she said, her voice muffled by her hands. Her hands that she had once pictured proposing, wearing a wedding ring, holding their babies. 

"Just friends isn't so bad, you know," the blonde said, hovering in front of her, as if unsure what to do. Alex was almost never hesitant, especially not in her relationships. Maybe this was better for Olivia. And that's what really mattered to Alex, because wanting what was best for the other person was the definition of love. 

"Okay," Alex said, removing her hands from her face. "I just don't want to miss anything else."


End file.
